The Hetrosexual Questionaire

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
It was when I was 5 or so. My parents exposed me to Ann Margaret (sp?). Ever since I've had this fetish for hot redheads.

2. When and how did you decide you were a heterosexual?
See #1

3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?
It's possible...but then how come there's so many of us redhead-sexuals around?

4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of the same sex?

No, David Caruso neither inspires fear, or sexual feelings. Only pity.

5. If you have never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?

Does a vegetarian turn omnivore all because of a delicious lasagna?

6. Do your parents know that you are straight? Do your parents and/or roommate(s) know? How did they react?

I hid it as long as I could...they freaked when they walked into my room and found me pleasuring myself to pictures of Pinky Tuscadero.

7. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be who you are and keep it quiet?

I don't. I try to blend...I even go to RHPS at least once a year. I guess I just have to be me.

8. Why do heterosexuals put so much emphasis on sex?

It keeps me from developing carpel tunnel.

9. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?
we're like vampies and Mormons---always tyingo get everybody to be just like us.

10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual teachers?

Don't blame a few bad apples. That'd be like condemning all porn because Pee Wee Herman was caught pleasuring himself during a movie. Or like condeming handicap stalls cause George Michael was caught doing something inappropriate.

11. Just what do men and women do in bed together? How can they truly know how to please each other, being so anatomically different?

It's a hands-on on-the-job training type thing.


12. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiralling. Why are
there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

Because there is a shortage of good redheads available to marry. Even then, women like Laura Prepon are out there dying their hair, turning away from what is natural.

13. Statistics show that lesbians have the lowest incidence of sexually transmitted diseases. Is it really safe for a woman to maintain a heterosexual lifestyle and run the risk of disease and pregnancy?

I'd love to be a lesbian,but that's just not who I am. And who are you to say that my way isn't as valid as yours? After all, we are rational people, aren't we?

14. How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality?
If being a whole person means being someone I'm not, then I guess I'll never be a "whole" person in your eyes.

15. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

Soylent Green.

16. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t feel s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his/her own learning’s?

They do---bastards.

17. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?

I have. I've looked at several compromising photos of Kathy Griffin, but still...I can't escape or change who I am.

18. Would you want your child to be heterosexual, knowing the problems that s/he would face?

Heck no, I'd much rather my children be neutered than face that kind of persecution.

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1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

--Fear of my mother and my society. When I grew older and got to college I read Judith Butler and learned that everyone is actually "just a little bit" gay. ;)


2. When and how did you decide you were a heterosexual?

--I was erroneously led to assume my heterosexuality from a young age: Since I started to develop breasts at age twelve.


3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

--Sure. I found women very attractive when I was in my early twenties.


4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of the same sex?

--Women are taught they're "bad girls" if they find other women attractive, you know... ;)


5. If you have never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?

--Not only possible, but probable. Would you be willing to volunteer for a good cause? ;)


6. Do your parents know that you are straight? Do your parents and/or roommate(s) know? How did they react?

--My parents would throw a temper tantrum if they for a moment believed that I was other than straight, I am afraid. My roomie reacted with disbelief on one occasion, like the great girl that she was. I miss her. :)


7. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be who you are and keep it quiet?

--Society basically does it to us. I for one don't really flaunt mine (that is, if I really have it--it's more inflicted on me by default than anything else...).


8. Why do heterosexuals put so much emphasis on sex?

--Mm... Good one. Precisely because they need to pretend that the "other" is the one who is trying to "corrupt" them; they need to believe that "corruption" is coming from without instead of from within. Back in the day when segregation and blatant racism was an option, racists used Blacks as the "other"; now homophobes are using gays and lesbians in the same way. There's really little difference: there has to be this hypersexualized "other" who has all the "negative" characteristics that the individuals in question cannot tolerate in themselves.


9. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

--They have to pretend there's nothing wrong with it. So, if they can make gays and lesbians join their camp, that gives them a sense of validation and meaning and purpose.

10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual teachers?

--HA! I think whether or not one can be a teacher should depend on one's past record, not on one's innate sexual proclivities.


11. Just what do men and women do in bed together? How can they truly know how to please each other, being so anatomically different?

--They enact neurotic fantasies based on whatever they did not get from their parents of the opposite sex.


12. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiralling. Why are
there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

--These are the people who need love they didn't get from their parents and accordingly didn't get the same from their partners. They would do better if they just grew to like themselves and adopted partners that better resembled themselves--IMO, of course. :)


13. Statistics show that lesbians have the lowest incidence of sexually transmitted diseases. Is it really safe for a woman to maintain a heterosexual lifestyle and run the risk of disease and pregnancy?

--Nope. You have a great point.

14. How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality?

--You probably can't.

15. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

--We're probably headed for extinction due to people stupidly breeding.

16. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t feel s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his/her own learning’s?

--I seriously doubt it. Witness also that you can't trust many therapists not to be chauvinists if they've been indoctrinated with the codes of the patriarchal system: they tell you essentially to go back to your daddy-substitute, kneel down at his feet and "listen to reason."

17. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?

--I met a guy recently who is a walking treatment of the said therapy and got a heady dose of it, actually. Seriously.

18. Would you want your child to be heterosexual, knowing the problems that s/he would face?

--Seriously, with all the patriarchal BS floating around out there, I think lesbians at least have it "out in the open" whereas heterosexual women have it more perniciously subtle. So I would rather have my daughter be lesbian--I would feel she had a better chance to be her own person.

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Point well taken. Thank God I'm not heterosexual!!
:-)

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I can appreciate your lifestyle, but aren't posts like this one almost downplaying what homosexuals have to go through when they come out of the closet? These are the same questions some heterosexuals ask someone who is homosexual because they are uncomfortable or unsure of that person. I feel like you are mocking your own community and it is offensive to me because ony of my brothers is gay and I'm sure he would not find this mockery funny at all!
I feel that you need to do some soul searching and figure out what makes you feel uncomfortable about being a lesbian, because this seems to be unhealthy behaviour! I'm sure you have also offended many others (stright and gay) on this site.

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