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Should I wait for him to commit or move along?
Should I wait for him to commit or move along? / Married Life / 6:43 PM - Sunday May 11, 2008
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A Thinker (Female, 36-45) asked:


My boyfriend and I have both been divorced and both have children. He has one, I have three. His ex and my ex are not really problems.

He's been divorced for 11 years. His ex cheated on him and left him for another man while he was away, trying to establish a new job during the week.

He says he is afraid to commit to marriage, but he loves me and wants to continue to be exclusive.

We've dated 2 1/2 yrs. He's 44, I'm 41. We both have decent jobs, our own homes, etc.

Am I foolish to hang in there and wait or should I just move on? I'd like a committed relationship where we can be busy with our families and jobs and yet share our evenings together and our lives. We both are family oriented and spend much time with the kids and sports. Our kids go to the same school and we are at a lot of the same functions.

Update: May 11, 2008.
Thank you for your input. I'll be doing a lot of soul seaching in the next few weeks and see where I am headed.

Update: May 11, 2008.
Thank you for your input. I'll be doing a lot of soul seaching in the next few weeks and see where I am headed.


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A Thinker (Female, 46-55) answered:

Screenname: birdland


I certainly understand where you are coming from as it relates to wanting to have a committed relationship where you can share your evenings and lives together. It sounds like you have a good relationship other than living separately. Nobody can really tell you how long you should wait, or if you should wait, because we all have different time limits when it comes to matters of the heart. If, or when, it gets past your personal time limit, you will know and act according at that time. The best of love!

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A Sweet Sarah (Female, Who Cares?, Self-Employed) answered:

Screenname: tolerant


"Marriage" is a piece of legal paper; it does not make a relationship happy or satisfying. If the feeling of entrapment or confinement is one's attitude about it, then don't do it. I know two couples who have been together 28 and 26 years respectively, with no "marriage" per se.
If I were your age, in your shoes, I'd just go with the flow, and enjoy the relationship, without demanding more than he feels comfortable to deliver. You have love; you have companionship, shared events - enjoy what you have! Stand on your own two feet and forget the "hang in there and wait" idea.

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A Sweet Sarah (Female, Charlotte, Who Cares?, Self-Employed) answered:

Screenname: smartblond


I hate to break this to you but it sounds like he is using this as an excuse NOT to commit.. yes hes hurt.. it was years ago, you didnt hurt him so in short he is making you pay for her mistakes.. sounds wrong.. the bottom line is after this length of time if you are okay with the way it is then its fine but if you really want a committe relationship he is not the man and I know thats hard to hear.. it sounds like he is just not going to take that step.. and maybe not ever.. some people just do not want to do it again.. i wish you well with it.. its not easy and at our age wasting time in a situation when you want a commitment is even more frustrating..

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A Cool Mom (Female, New York, 46-55, Retired) answered:

Screenname: bayshoregirl


Can't you live together without being married? That's equally a commitment.

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A Thinker (Female, St.Louis, 22-25, Other Profession) answered:

Screenname: tennesseemom3


It sounds to me that you both are in a good place in your lives. The question that you should be asking is.. Is there a future with this man? Do I see myself being with him for the rest of my life? If the answer is no, then you should move on. But, if the answer is yes, to both questions, stay. Time heals all wounds. Some faster than others. Be patient. If you are really wanting something more, be open and express what you are wanting. (he can't read your mind) Let him know everything; your desires to your fears. I hope I helped. Good Luck and Take Care.

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A Thinker (Female, 46-55, Consulting) answered:

Screenname: edi406


If he is a good man and you love him, I would explain to him that you want a commitment, and this means MARRIAGE.

Sometimes you have to be straight forward, so that he knows he might loose you to another man who wants what you want.- Otherwise, this situation will stay the same, and you don not want that to happen.- Are you going to be waiting for the rest of your life ????

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