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Good breaks and bad breaks?
Good breaks and bad breaks? / Dating / 10:22 PM - Monday October 24, 2005
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A Hip-Hop Girl (Female, Los Angeles, 22-25, Internet / New Media) asked:


The bf and I have decided to take a break and figure out where we want are relationship to go. We also told each other clearly, that we want to get back together after the break. Does anyone have suggestions about how to make the break work? I know that it's possible we may decide to split for good, but I want to avoid that. How do you spot a well-intentioned break from a dishonest break?


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A Father Figure (Male, New York, 29-35, Self-Employed) answered:

Screenname: daddy1


I have to agree with curvysmartgirl. I'm going through a similar situation with the woman I love. In the time apart, I've been learning more about what I want, not just from her, but from myself. I've also been learning what I expect myself to be able to give her if we do get back together.

Also, during the time apart, try to enjoy yourself. I know that sounds odd, and it hasn't been easy for me to do, but it's necessary. Do stuff you enjoy. Maybe even try new things. Work on some improvements you've been meaning to make to yourself. It may seem like it has nothing to do with the current split, but it may prevent you from unnecessarily contacting each other and smothering each other. Trust me, it's important to avoid that.

Hope everything works out for the best, whatever that may be. God bless!

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A Jock (Male, New York, 22-25, Teaching) answered:

Screenname: nyguy18


I've done this and it is fine. A lot of people use this as a bullshit way of breaking up, but so long as there are rules and a goal to accomplish there is nothing to worry about.

My girlfriend and I, for example, are on one for 3 weeks where we want to reflect on our relationship and ensure that we definately want to take it to the next level. We both said we were 95 percent certain, we just want to be 100 percent. We have both thought of marriage and what not. Now, some people--who have not dated any one for a long time--will laugh and say that this is pointless. What they do not get is that when you are in a relationship sometimes you need to answer specific questions on your own, with out your partner's influence. Do I feel that my girl and I are going to split for good? No, because our relationship is rock solid, but do I need to conclude that I'm ready to take it to the next level? Yes.

So, set rules and have a goal to accomplish. Rules should govern the ammount of contact and when the break is to end. In my case I quite frankly do not care. I and my girlfriend both said we love each other and cannot picture life with out the other, but right now we need to do this for us and the relationship.

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A Mr. Married Guy (Male, Miami, 36-45, Political / Government) answered:

Screenname: greekattorney


This proposed break makes no sense. If you fully intend to get back together after the break, what is the purpose of this break? You have already decided to date again regardless of the length of the break or whether anything changes? What good is that? Frankly, a break is just a torturously slow way to break up. If your problems are so bad that you two cannot work through them together, separating will *not* solve anything.

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A Creative (Female, Dallas, 36-45, Artist / Musician / Writer) answered:

Screenname: curvysmartgirl


set the terms for the break. set a time limit, and agree not to call or contact each other during that time. decide up front whether you are free to date other people during that time. then, nurture yourself during the break, think about the relationship and what you want and need and what you can give, and don't worry about it. if it's meant to be, it will work out.

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A Thinker (Female, New York, 22-25, Consulting) answered:

Screenname: leogirly7


lol you are hysterical. At this point in time you two clearly communcated that you wanted to break up because you think you two arent valuing the relationship like you should. You two still love eachother, but realize that you need time apart to see if you really do want to be together. So, in short if you two really do love eachother and want to strongly be together when you break up, you two will realize that you either want to be together or not. There is no way to prevent you two staying together or getting back together, silly! hehe... good luck, hope it works out.

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A Career Woman (Female, Houston, 29-35, Other Profession) answered:

Screenname: April1973


Well, after reading some of the answers people gave you, I kept thinking that the way you portray the situation here doesn't necessarily imply that the realtionship is bad, but simply that both need time alone to decide whether to move forward into something serious like marriage or to separate definitively. I think it's not as crazy as those answerologers took it, in fact, my parents who have been happily married for more than 35 years now did exactly that before they decided to marry.
They didn't set too many rules or anything like that, I think the only condition they both assumed was that they were not going to date another person -well, there was no need to set that kind of rules since their break was just that a break not a break up, they were not ending the relationship, they were testing themselves and how much each of them love/needed/wanted the other and share a whole life with him/her.
Well, they didn't see or talk to each other for two months, they set a date, a time and a place where they would meet again. The condition was, if that day you are there we marry, if you are not there, I'll understand it's over.
Both say that those were the longest months of their lives and that they were so nervous the day they were meeting cause they feared the other wasn't going to be there. Of course both were there, you can imagine how happy that encounter was. They married the following year and they are still together.
The break you are talking about is hard, it requires courage, but I think it's good to do it. Both of you will have an oportunity to think and enjoy your life as a single person again, then you can decide if spending the rest of your life with that person is worthy or not.
I hope after the break is over you can tell us everything turned out great. Good luck!!


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A Thinker (Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?) answered:


I think taking "breaks" is the silliest idea ever. If there's a big enough problem that you feel you need to take a break, then you should be re-evaluatiing your relationship.

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