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Taking a break -- has it worked for you?
Taking a break -- has it worked for you? / Sex & Intimacy / 12:34 PM - Thursday December 28, 2006
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A Thinker (Female, Seattle, 29-35, Who Cares?) asked:


I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months. I thought things were going well, but the other night it came out that he's not "feeling it" -- he's not in love with me yet and isn't sure he ever will be. He's not sure if he wants to break up with me or not, he thinks it's likely that we will break up down the road and he doesn't want to lead me on, but he also enjoys my company and likes being around me and when we talk about breaking up he cries. Last night he said he's full of confusion and really isn't sure at all how he feels, basically.

I don't want to break up with him, but I know he has to sort out his feelings in his head. So we agreed to take a break starting after New Year's, which we're spending together. We'll have no contact at all for three weeks.

I've been in a number of relationships, but never taken a break during any of them. So I'm not sure what to expect. I'm trying not to get my hopes up that he'll want to stay with me after the break, but if I were being completely honest I'd have to admit that I do hope he misses me and decides he still wants me in his life.

So people, help me out. Have you taken a break like this before? How did it work for you? Tell me anything and everything.


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A Career Woman (Female, Charlotte, 29-35, Who Cares?) answered:

Screenname: thottienc


Breaks are usually bridges to a Break up or a Stronger Relationship. During the 3 weeks, give him total space. Let him see what a life w/o you would be like so none of that, just checking on you stuff or 'being friends'. That keeps the space cloudy and makes it harder to imagine if you miss the person enough to want to be with them or not.

Also, set some rules since this is a 'break'. No sex with other people even if you go out with someone else. There's no coming back together after that. So all I can say is, no contact and no excursions with others.

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A Married Girl (Female, 36-45, Artist / Musician / Writer) answered:

Screenname: blondegirlfrnd


OMG! I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My first reaction was to say dump his ass and move on. I am still 98% comfortable with that answer,but there is always the possibility he will come around. But I think it will be better if you get on with your life. Be as busy as possible during those 3 weeks. Don't pine. (easier said than done)

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A Thinker (Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?) answered:

Screenname: sakura1


I'm flummoxed by your first paragraph. If a guy dithered like that in my face, I would be SO TURNED OFF!!! He is basically giving you the heads up that he is DEFINITELY going to end it - and you agreed to a "break"???? A break is bullshit - and the precursor to a break UP.

Of course you don't want to end it - we women make illogical decisions with our hearts - we stick around because we hope our love is enough. Sometimes, though, you have to think with your head - and make an intellectual decision to NEVER SETTLE for a man who dithers like that.

When a man really loves you, he makes you feel 100% solid of his feelings, and there is NO dithering.

I totally empthasize with you that he hopes he misses you enough to come back, but while sometimes a "break" implies cheating with permission, I think in this case he is realizing that he doesn't see a future with you, and this is his way of giving you the heads up.

I would tell him that you'd rather start the New Year on your own, single, and that you intend of keeping yourself available for a guy who is so crazy about you that he can't imagine the "need" to take a break.

I also recommend you check out greekattorney's best answers - he discusses this topic in great detail.

Walk away from this guy!!!! You deserve better!!!!!!

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A Player (Male, Toronto, 29-35, Executive) answered:

Screenname: laughingbandit


personally, i don't think 'breaks' work. a few days to collect your thoughts, but not a 'break'. that's just me tho.

my suggestion is not to bring it up. not to talk about it, or put any pressure on him to make a 'decision'. if you guys are going to break up, you're going to break up. but the more he fights it, the more he'll have trouble allowing himself to fall in love with you. let it happen naturally.

~LB

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An Intellectual Guy (Male, Bangalore, 26-28, Science / Engineering) answered:

Screenname: scywaulcher


I have and the results depends on wether he will find somebody who will give him a shoulder to cry at these difficult times , if he dosen find anyone he likes he will be desperate to get back to u ,

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A Rebel (Female, Philadelphia, 46-55, Medical / Dental) answered:

Screenname: carolynspoonire


Even though this may be hard: he asked for this break. So let him have it. No matter how much you want to contact, call, check on, let him have what he asked for. Give him time to miss you and what you two have together. For some reason he has it in his head, he needs a break. Give it to him. Let him have it. Don't bother him. Make New Years Eve the best ever. Don't let the pending break alter your happiness, or bring sadness. Show him how great you are, still. Of course, tell him " i will miss you". but let it go.
And you do things you've neglected to do for yourself. Have fun. See old friends. Get out and shop. Smile. Do things you love to do. 3 weeks will fly by. If you take care of you.
Don't let him see you all devastated. Let him know though, its his idea for the break, not yours. If it comes up.
Don't think the worst. You've been together 6 months. He knows you. So let him make up his mind.

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A Career Man (Male, Dallas, 29-35, Executive) answered:

Screenname: runner


This will hurt, but I'm telling you right now with certainty that your relationship is over.

I've been in a couple relationships like this, where I loved the girls dearly, we really got along well, and had a great sex life. But, when you aren't "in love" by six months, you never will be.

Speaking from experience, he is just scared and concerned for your feelings. He doesn't want to hurt you and be a total asshole over this. He is sorry that he isn't in love with you, but there isn't anything he can do about it. He is saying he is "confused and unsure of his feelings" because he doesn't think totally breaking it off with you is the right thing to do. He does care for you, but the only confusion he feels is "how" and "when" he should break up with you.

"Taking a break" is breaking up slowly, nothing else. At the end of that three weeks he will say that this is what he needs more of, which means he wants to completely break up. So, do what you want, as this is the end of what the two of you have. You could either have a little more fun, have some more laughs, maybe a couple more hot nights in bed, OR, you can stop delaying the inevitable and cut it off now.

I'd say go ahead and spend New Years together. Have your last "hoorah" and end it on a high note. But, that's just me.

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A Career Man (Male, Washington, DC, 29-35, Technical) answered:

Screenname: aceldama


Sounds bad. I would suggest you have a great New Years, and never look back. If he is this confused after 6 months, 3 weeks isn't going to resolve that. Move on with your life and live it to its fullest.

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A Sweet Sarah (Female, 26-28, Who Cares?) answered:

Screenname: leeann


Having no contact with each other for 3 weeks gives both of you space and allows you to see whats out there. If he loves you he'll come back into your life before 3 weeks. Don't contact him , let him contact you first,i know this may be hard but its very important. Remeber he is the one who wants the BREAK. If he cries there is some feeling for you ( if a real cry) . Hope this helps and good luck

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A Guy Critical (Male, Atlanta, 46-55, Other Profession) answered:

Screenname: dvgic


do either of you have children,,, why does he cry??? What is the real issue here??? Share it if you care too. You already know what the real challenge is!

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A Career Woman (Female, 29-35, Administrative) answered:


Well, this usually leads to being broken up. This is not to say he will realize what he is missing when you are gone, but seriously, he should know how he feels about you already. I hope you date others during your break, because he most likely will not be back. He has already told you how he feels. Move on now before you really get hurt. He is pulling one of those, there might be someone better, but I don't want to let you go until I find a new girl. You deserve better. Find real love, someone who doesn't need or want any time away from you because he knows he loves you.

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